What I wanna be..?
As a kid when you grow up and see different people doing different things so you think of becoming one because they fasinated you so much so you start setting your dreams. Then you grow up and become mature and understand things more keenly and come to know every detail about the profession you chose as a child. Some people set their dreams again and leave what they once wanted to be and some stay on what they decided as a child. In today’s society no child is free to dream what they want to anyway. They never really get the chance to become what they want to because life has been so tough and you can’t survive unless you have a great job and earning well. So in a race to “who survive’s better” you forget to dream, to live for your own self like to take out some time for your own self, free from everything just be for your own self there and do what you like, what you always wanted to do but didn’t got time to or maybe you didn’t have the courage or you thought what society will say. So you can free your mind from all these thoughts and enjoy your very own personal life do something for your ownself which makes you happy no matter what it is unless its something ilegal or something that can make you a sinner. Those were the old times where life wasn’t tough and people were not after something. They lived their life in peace. I am not saying that we don’t have to work hard or something but we should not kill a person inside us who do nothing but dream. To me dreaming is beautiful and making it come true is most beautiful thing ever. As a kid I wanted to be so many things. I wanted to become a Pilot, I thought I’d do anything for it but then I also wanted to be an Artistand by artist I really mean an artist not someone who can just draw. In todays world the person who knows how to draw is called an artist or they call themself artist but what they don’t understand is an artist is someone that if he draws it should seem like real by real I really mean real which you think will move or come out of the frame any mintue. An artist is someone who knows the art to convey any messege through his drawing. An artist who’s deep and have so much hidden in himself and the only way he let it out is through his art. Art is magic everybody gets fasinated by it but art is a masterpiece messege and not everybody have the power or sense to understand it. So to me I think its the most difficult thing to be artist. Yet people say its nothing good in being an artist you won’t be able to earn but who wants to earn by being an artist? not everything we do, we do it for money. Sometimes you must do something for your own sake of happiness. Something which helps you in healing, soothes your soul. So I wish to be an Artist, hope it comes true.
love is everything yet many things. I believe there are different kinds of love like every person loves differently and have diffrent prescriptives on love. Love is everywhere yet nowehre to be found. There isn’t really a specific definition for love or I couldn’t find one maybe. Because there are some feelings you cannot just describe them like no matter how hard you try you just can’t put them in words. That is love. For some people love is getting married and taking care of your family because its your duty and you have to. For some love is when you can’t think about living without eachother. For some love is getting layed with your partner because you think thats right. For some love is nothing, they don’t believe it and say “love doesn’t exist”. So many people with so many prescriptives. What I believe is people love according to their nature or maybe how they wanna be loved. For me, I still think love exists and its beautifully dangerous yet the best feeling. Like to be in love or being loved. When you know no matter what there is a person you can always count on. Someone who can never and will never betray you no matter what that person will be with you seeing you growing up and helping you in every possible way to make you grow to make you learn so much to make your attitude postive towards things you don’t want to do or you’re scared you’re gonna mess up but you know that with that person you can try anything and everything because that someone is your light and your postive vibe from where you get your energy and that person encourages you and tells you that you can definately do it when you’re scared you can’t. Someone who can change your can’ts into cans. The person you’re not scared to tell anything because you know that person will no matter what won’t judge you instead will correct you if you’re wrong or will give you an applause if you did something good. Love is when you know that no matter what nobody can ever replace them because that person holds a very special place in your heart and in your life. Love is when you tell a person you love them and want to spend your whole life with them so you actually do that, you marry that person. Love is when you respect them and their feelings. Love is when you value them. Love is when you’re sincere and loyal to them even on their backs. Love is when you still give time to eachother despite of your busy routine. Love is when you just smile when you look at them. Love is good morning text and good night text. Love is cliche but still its love. Its not about being cliche really its about you’re just showing that you think of them and nothing is better than hearing from that one person that they missed you and were thinking about you. Love is putting a smile on that persons face. Love is sitting with them at the roof top at 2a.m. Love is helping them to sleep when they can’t because they just saw a nightmare, they can’t getover. Love is when you wait for them at dinner. Love is when you do something just to make them smile. Love is taking care of them in every possible way. Love is giving them your cloth so they don’t feel cold. Love is letting them eat from your plate because they liked your food more than what they orederd. Love is never breaking a promise. Love is buying them flowers. Love is leting them watch their favourite show because you’re just happy seeing them happy and excited about that show. Love is listening to their same story for 1000th time becuase you love listening to them and love to see that spark in their eyes when they talk about something they love. Love is walking on the roads while holding hands and showing them off sometimes. Love is being jealous in a good way. Love is being possesive. Love is flirting even when you know you’re married. Love is making love even when you’re unable to speak. Love is being real being what you are in private in public places. Love is noticing every small things and appericiating even if its only about changing your room curtains or putting your favourite tie. Love is calm and patient. Love is crazy and wild. Love is real and fantasy. Love is everything and nothing…
Is it okay not to crave for ice cream or chocolate at 2a.m like others but to crave for peace, affection, solution to all your problems?
Is it okay not to tell anyone and stay cool when you’re going through an anxiety attack in the middle of the day?
Is it okay to tell you’re happy when actually you’re dying inside?
Is it okay to cry every night and give excuse of your swollen eyes that you couldn’t sleep properly?
It is okay not to feel okay at all?
How does it feel when your heart gets broken specially when you didn’t thought it would. The type of breakdown I’m talking about is where you feel like you’re dead, you feel an ache in your heart and you feel weak in your knees so you just sit down where ever you are. You’re unable to hear anything, your brain, it stops working and you feel numb, completely numb. Tears start streaming down your face because you can’t just hold them back anymore. There’s this silent cry where your face makes no experssion but tears keeps coming out. At that moment you feel like you’re gonna give up on life any moment. You don’t wanna be surrounded by any human you just want yourself alone with your destructive thoughts. Slowly that silent cry turns into screaming. You scream out a loud that you feel the same pain in your chest but you don’t care at that moment. You’re fighting with your heart for not accepting what your brain has already accepted. You put your hand around your stomach and one hand on your mouth so you can stop yourself from screaming. There’s this flashback of every memory going on in front of your blury eyes. In that moment you realize that every promise made was a lie. Every action of love made was just to take your trust so that they can destory it later. At that moment you curse yourself a lot and you’re still stuck at; cursing your self for not being good enough and other than that cursing your self for being a fool all the time because still you’re unable to accept the reality. So you keep on crying and crying. Warm tears runing down your face and you’re just sitting on that bathroom floor cursing yourself and crying and you don’t care about anything. In that moment you make so many decisions, comes to so many conclusions but all in vain because at that moment you hate your self for being alive, for being stupid, for starting all this, for trusting so easily, for not being good enough. You feel worthless and useless. Then when you end up crying over all this then you cry again, for your own self, Thats the moment where you just feel someone could hold you and tell you that everything is gonna be okay but then you don’t trust anyone now because the one you thought would never break your heart, that person just did. That person killed just all your love, all your care, all your feelings. But then thats what you think because months ago or maybe years ago you won’t be able to shed a single tear over this same reason. But right now you don’t want to accept the reality because you’re too broken to feel anything. In that moment you question yourself a lot, About why and how are you like this. How can that person betray you to whom you gave your everything because that person was your everything. You ask God so many questions you start comparing yourself with others when you know you don’t have to but you just do because in that moment you don’t feel alive. You even complain God for not loving you enough for not making you good enough so that you didn’t have to feel this way. So again you cry, You cry a lot for everything, for that person, for that person not being with you when you wanted to, for yourself and for everything and at the same moment for nothing but you just cry a lot, thinking its the last time you’re crying but than more tears come out when you think of ‘last time’, when you think of everything is over and you’re not gonna be the same, you cry over how much you’re gonna miss everything and how the memories won’t fade away. So you just cry and cry and cry…
She killed her desires in an urge to make him happy in every possible way. Yet she still failed in satisfying him. She couldn’t be enough for him. When all she wanted to be was the only girl who can make him happy, who can make her feel like home. But she failed. Yet what she couldn’t realized was that in actuall he failed. He failed being a man, a man of his words. He failed and she, she’s now just living with no aims no desires no love. She’s just living for society but is dead inside.